Do we ever overcome grief? My father passed away in February of 2024 at the age of 76. We were very close so this was the hardest thing I’ve had to go through in my life. I had to learn about grief and its stages in order to understand what I was going through and be able to know there was a light at the end of the tunnel and allow myself to go through the process. From the grief stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, this is what I’ve learned:
It's Okay to Feel Mixed Emotions
For me all stages expect for one came together in full force, depression and denial followed by anger and bargaining and more depression. The feeling of deep sorrow took over me immediately after my father’s passing mixed with the feeling of not believing what had just happened. How can my father be gone? He seemed completely fine and making jokes before he went to the hospital earlier that week. Then, mixed with the deep sorrow and denial came the feeling of anger and bargaining when I found myself angrily playing the sequence of events of that week over and over in my head trying to find the areas where things could’ve been handled differently. These emotions are strong and seem to take over our lives but it is important to let these emotions happen in order to be able to start letting go and accepting.
Letting Go was the Most Difficult Part
Since going back in time was not an option, I had to learn to be kind to myself and let go of the thoughts of the situations I didn’t have control over. Letting go of those thoughts was very difficult because it means to start creating the path for the acceptance process and to this day is something I work on a daily basis. We have to remember that although we might not have control over situations specially in situations of loss, we do have control over our thoughts and how we let them affect us. Letting go also means to let go of the sad memories that hurt us surrounding the passing of a loved one and choosing to remember the happy days with that person. In my case, I love remembering my father’s jokes and laugh.
Accepting Does Not Mean Forgetting your Loved One
I miss my father and I know I always will. As part of the acceptance stage of grief, I have created ways that connect me with him. My father loved planting, nature in general and birds singing, so naturally I enjoy being in green areas and I find myself looking for birds that might be singing. In these settings, I allow myself to feel his presence and I allow myself to say a word or two to him in my mind. For me, creating a setting to connect with my father helped me with accepting the fact that he is no longer physically part of my life, however, knowing that I can feel his presence gives me the assurance that his soul lives on and that he’s still part of my life spiritually.
Time and Talking Do Help
Allowing time to go through each of the stages of grief is extremely important and sometimes the different stages might come, go away, then come back again. Be patient with yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help when needed. Talking things over and then over again definitely helps. In my case, my family was my support system through the roller coaster of emotions and I also was their support when they needed it. Now we can talk and mention my father without crying, most of the time.
(Older brother, mother, myself and younger brother in my father's hometown in Brazil where we brought his ashes in March of 2024)
I don’t think we overcome grief; I think that we learn to live with it. Understanding the stages of grief helped me understand myself. At this point, I can say that I have accepted the passing of my father, I know he’s in a better place now, not suffering and happily watching over us. Besides, like I told him on the moment he passed away in that hospital room while I was holding his hand, it was not a “good bye” just a “see you later”.